I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
