final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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