Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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