I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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