Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
