You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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