It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
