So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
