Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
