Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
