I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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