So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
