Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
