Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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