So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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