I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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