i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
