If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
