my sisters under your porch take her home
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
