Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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