she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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