I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
