final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I need to sanitize my soul.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
