Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
