yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
