my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
