this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dicks are not precious.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
