I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
