I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
