So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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