she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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