Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
