i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
