Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
