I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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