Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
