the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
