Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
