I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well I just put wine in my tea
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
