trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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