Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
