well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
