And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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