She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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