How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
