we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
