so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
