On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
