Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
