dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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